Thursday, February 13, 2014

My heart

Time for a truth post.  My heart is a little heavy right now.

I've been back at work almost two weeks now.  And I'm not going to lie.  It sucks.

I feel a bit overwhelmed.  The dishes are stacking up at home.  Laundry is piled everywhere, both clean stuff to be folded and dirty stuff that needs to be washed.  There's boxes all over from stuff we order to save the hassle of going to the store.  The poor cats are super neglected and race around like wild beasts in the evenings from the lack of attention.  But that isn't the stuff that bothers me.

I'm instead bothered by the fact that by the time I get my sweet boy home in the evening, we get maybe a half hour of quality time before he's cranky and fussy and needs to go to bed.  He doesn't nap well at my parents right now, so bedtime is coming earlier and earlier each day.  I miss my little boy.

I hate the things I'm missing out on during the day - his smiles, his coos, watching him play on his playmat or do tummy time on the floor.  Now I know parenthood isn't all sunshine and roses all the time - but it just feels like I get the short end of the stick now.  I don't get the fun time anymore.  Yesterday I wondered if he'd ever smile at me again.

And then I got this from him this morning:

I needed that smile more than I can say.  It just warmed and uplifted my heart and reminded me that no matter what happens I'm still his mama and he knows that and he does love me.  There is still possibility for some things to work out with work that might allow me a hair more time with him and I just have to be patient and wait to see how things play out.  And I have to remind myself too - I work so that we can take care of him, so we can have health insurance for him and other important things of that nature.  I just wish there was a better way.

So that is why my heart is heavy and hurts a little bit. I'm sure with time it will get easier. But no matter what, my heart will be here first always.


  1. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I just hope and pray that he gets used to napping at grandma's so he is happy when you are home with him. I hope that everything works out so you can spend more time with him at home. I'm here if you ever need to talk about anything.

  2. Oh, that's so sweet Bethie! My gracious those are hard times. Been there. Times do get better. I don't want to say this but it is like 'that's is life' and you'll feel better as time progresses. Perhaps you can work from home? Perhaps you can make money with your blog? Perhaps ...well, I'm sure you'll figure it out. You have done well so far, right? Happy Valentines Day and thanks for the vote of confidence re the Maddens. ilovethem.

    1. oops, and meant to say:

      I love that last tender photo. ...awh

  3. All moms are heroes. I hope it gets better. In the meantime I think this is a good (short) read:

  4. i'm sorry, beth. when henry and eva were born, i was lucky to be able to work from home 2 days a week, so i still got some of the day. but those other 3 were hard. it does get easier, and you get used to the mess. don't worry about it...time spent doing other things is way more important than folded laundry! i hope you feel better soon. he will never forget you are his mom and will share those smiles with you for years to come!

  5. So sorry to hear you're down, sweet friend. I'm praying for you. I pray that you will have peace in your heart about your precious little one while you're away from him and I pray that things will work out for you to spend more time with him. But whatever happens - you are absolutely the best mama could have and he will adore you. ;) God bless you both.

  6. My mom had a embroidered picture that read:

    Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
    For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow
    So quiet down, cobwebs
    Dust, go to sleep
    I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.

    As long as you can make the most of the time you get with him (even if it's grumpy-getting-ready-for-bed time), he will feel all the love he needs.

  7. I wish I could give you a hug right now. One day at a time. It will get easier!

  8. Mothering is a full-time job and those who try to work outside the home while mothering feel what you're feeling. It can be done, but with compromises that aren't always satisfactory. I hope you find your way to balancing these two large demands.

  9. God bless you! It must be super hard. My sister felt/feels the same!x

  10. Aww Beth I hope that as time continues that it gets easier, although I can't imagine how hard it has been to leave your cute little guy every day to head to work! Thank goodness for weekends.

    Jess - J's Style

  11. I'm sure it is an adjustment going back to work after being able to spend all your time with Oliver! But I know you'll be able to find that balance and things will get a bit easier over time.

    The Tiny Heart
    Target Giveaway!

  12. I'm sorry! He'll get the sleeping down {if even in his carrier or a swing for now} and you'll get a stitch more time and by and by you'll make it but I'm sure it's hard. :( Enjoyall of your time together this weekend!

  13. Aww Beth. I dread the day I have to go back to work after caring for Vivian (for 13 months now) but I am sure Ollie is well taken care of. He has a beautiful, caring, loving mom who is dying to see him when she gets off from home. No matter how many minutes in the day you spend time with him, treasure every little second because he is worth it and they grow up too fast.

    I am here for you if you need to talk or swap baby stories. <3 Ada.

  14. Been there. Very recently, in fact. They say it gets easier. I don't know if it does because I quit my job due to the stress of said job, self-health and baby. It was too much. But not all are as lucky as I am, so for your and Ollie's sake, I hope they are right. It gets easier. You will adjust to this new life. Best of luck, Beth.

  15. I keep thinking I comment on my phone but then I never see them. I guess that doesn't work so well.

    I used to feel sad for working parents that they barely had any time with their babies before their babies went to sleep. This was before I knew about the fussy time. Now I'm really sad for them. Sorry. Hopefully this gets better for you.


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